


The Week That Death Made A Proposal And Darcy Designed Wedding Cakes

by XtaticPearl



Series: The Starktones Chronicles And Some World Saving On The Side [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Clint Barton & Tony Stark & Bucky Barnes Friendship, Crack, Don't Examine This Too Closely, F/F, F/M, Kind Of Polyamory, M/M, Nick Fury is Not Amused, Protective Steve Rogers, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tony Stark Has Issues, Ultimate Sacrifice, Weddings, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 17:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7693174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XtaticPearl/pseuds/XtaticPearl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes there are weddings for the purpose of world peace, with crying groomsmen and murderous groomswomen in cloaks. Of course, officiating the marriage of your boyfriend with your new enemy is not what Steve signed up for but things happened in the life of an Avenger and Bucky is not helping. Now, if only Darcy would stop designing skulls and Pepper stopped picking out dresses, maybe they could get over this nightmare. Nick Fury did not arrange for diplomatic solutions to make the Avengers become a wedding party and bribe Taylor Swift.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Week That Death Made A Proposal And Darcy Designed Wedding Cakes

**Author's Note:**

> This series in itself is madness, so I think maybe I'm not over-reaching. Or maybe I am. Whatever, it was fun writing this ;)  
> I anyway apologize for the madness, because it tends to boggle me too.

There was a system for calamities and tragedies in their lives. All three of them - Tony, Bucky, and Clint - they had their own favored methods of coping and it was an unspoken rule that if one of them was coping, the other two had to join him as well.

Which was fine when it was Clint, because you could never get enough of ruthless Mari Kart marathons or re-runs of Glee, picking out faults in everything Rachel did and praising their Lady and Savior Sue Sylvester. Bucky even had a poster of her in his room and Sam had very politely made a curtain for it because apparently he was too conscious to have sex with Jane Lynch watching him. 

It was also fine when it was Bucky moping, because Tony honestly had more than enough of paintball supplies stocked in the basement and everyone loved a good old Regina George style burn book making, especially if you had an organized AI making it for you as you yelled reasons why people sucked while blasting scrap metal.

It was Tony's methods that put them into trouble because Tony had always leaned on alcohol as his coping mechanism earlier, before his sober stint had begun. Now, with him being sober, he relied on other luxuries. Like desserts. And not in normal quantities like ice-cream buckets or a birthday cake. In quantities of a bakery's single-day production. Clint still remembered the one time when they demolished a two days old four tier Sachertorte and then proceeded to wash it down with an obscene amount of chocolate milk. They had been lucky that the villains of the world hadn't come knocking the next day because neither Tony nor Clint had been able to stay out of the bathroom or the bed. Bucky, the bastard, had got away with just a little queasiness in his stomach. Tony's coping method meant a serious weight-gain possibility for them and they had to work hard to stay in shape after one of his binges.

This time though, there was going to be nothing stopping Tony from drowning himself in trifle.

"I'm doomed" the genius groaned into a spoonful of the sinful delicacy as he slouched against Bucky's arm on the floor, "Doomed!"

"I wish man," Clint snorted through his own spoonful, "You're not Doomed."

"Nu-uh" Bucky agreed and Tony narrowed his eyes at them.

"Nah, you're Thanosed," Clint snickered and Bucky bit back a chuckle when Tony threw a spoonful of trifle at Clint's face, missing it by a mile.

"Fuck you!" Tony groused and pointed a finger at both Clint and Bucky, "This is all your fault. Both of you."

"Sure, buddy," Bucky said patronizingly, "Because we're the ones who made Death propose marriage to you."

"If anybody should be blamed for this, it's Steve," Clint proclaimed and Bucky scowled at him at the same moment that Tony let out an exclaimed "Yes!"

Well, technically maybe not, but honestly, Steve should have been smarter than this. Every post-battle speech of his had a common exclamation directed at Tony and nobody could expect Tony to  _not_ respond to it. ' _Stop flirting with death always_ ' begged for a response like ' _I haven't even started flirting_ ', didn't it? Steve had simply rolled his eyes and there had been some angry kissing followed by fun angry times followed by puppy cuddles but that had really been the beginning. It was not like Tony had actually expected someone named Death to exist in reality, or to meet her at one of his frickin Galas where she came posed as some socialite. Maybe Tony should have been cautious by the extreme goth look and maybe he shouldn't have tried to play nice with her in an attempt to cover for Pepper, but Tony had been in a good mood that day and he could charm the pants (or gowns) off anyone when he was in a good mood. Thankfully, no gowns or pants had come off but the woman had been strangely besotted with him even as he left for home.

It was only three months later that Tony realized that he had been schmoozing a cosmic deity who had come to Earth in  _boredom_ and had frickin fallen in love with him. Not to mention, her name was literally Death and she had a crazy obsessive on/off boyfriend called Thanos who was willing to destroy the planet for her. And people thought that Helen of Troy was excessive, Tony thought hysterically when he got the information.

So, essentially, it was all Steve's fault that Tony had literally flirted with Death and was now stuck in the worst kind of situation.

"I can't do this" he whined and looked at Clint through puppy eyes, "I have Steve. I like Steve. Steve gives puppy hugs and makes me coffee every morning. Death won't do that! She's a cold bitch."

"Yeah, well, apparently Death warmed over for you," Clint replied and Bucky snorted as Tony groaned.

"Hey, look, I know it's not a pretty deal for you," Bucky shrugged, jostling Tony with the movement, "but look at it this way: Get married to cosmic person of goth or let the entire planet go to hell?"

"Cosmic person" Clint nodded at the same time that Tony mumbled, "The planet can fuck itself".

"Uh-uh? Well, this planet has Steve in it," Bucky reminded and Tony actually looked he was considering it before he shrugged one shoulder.

"I can fuck Steve. The rest of the planet can fuck itself," he said magnanimously and Clint clapped mockingly.

"But seriously,  _marriage_? To Death?" Tony groaned and this time Clint patted the genius' ankle a bit sympathetically.

It had honestly seemed like a joke to Tony when Nick had first called the Avengers to the HQ to 'talk about something important'. Steve had leveled Tony with an exasperated but amused look when Nick had told them that Tony had flirted with and charmed a cosmic being a few months back during a gala. But soon nobody was mused, especially when Nick told them that Thanos was going to destroy the planet. Steve, the ever-ready charger into battles, had immediately said that they would fight him. The team had agreed too. And then Nick had revealed about the frickin Infinity Stones and gauntlet. Even Thor had looked pale at that and Thor  _never_ looked pale, not even when he was digesting Jane's horrible cooking. Apparently it was the 'end of the world' type of danger and there was no way all of them would survive against Thanos.

_"What else is new?" Tony had snorted to Bruce when Maria, the cold hearted snake, said that they had a way out. And that way involved Tony._

_Steve had become wary._

_Bruce had become shifty._

_Natasha had whipped out her phone to send Pepper a prediction of SI's stock points falling._

_Sam and Thor had made a bet of this involving green goo (one time, people!)._

_"Thanos and Lady Death are willing to spare the world," Fury had said with a constipated face as he looked at Steve and Tony, "in exchange for something."_

_"We're not going to give them anything, Nick," Steve said firmly and Nick looked more constipated._

_"Well, they are not asking for any...thing," Maria had responded slyly and really, Tony had felt his right eye twitch in warning._

_"What did they ask for then?" Natasha asked curiously and Nick looked like he would rather eat Darcy's taser than speak but he answered._

_"Stark"_

_"Yeah, Nicky?" Tony blinked and grinned up at him._

_"No, I mean...they asked for Stark," Fury waved his hand vaguely in Tony's direction and well, that was certainly something._

_"Are you saying that lady and her boytoy want Tony's booty in exchange for Earth's continued survival?" Clint asked dead-panned._

_"Barton!" Fury barked as though one word would convey all of his contempt for Clint's existence in that moment before continuing, "Not...that..."_

_"Spit it out, sir," Coulson had advised and Nick shot him a stink-eye._

_"They want to marry Stark" he said finally._

_"They as in.." Natasha drawled with a raised eyebrow._

_"As in both Death and Thanos," Nick said with a grimace, "Apparently Thanos has been trying to get Death's attention for centuries but **Stark** managed to get it somehow and Thanos got jealous. But because he's an evil bastard, he agreed to get Stark for Death if she would marry him too. So, Thanos has threatened to wipe out the planet if Stark is not married off to both him and his girlfriend."_

_"As in a poly relationship" Bruce commented, looking far too understanding of the situation than normal._

_"Yes" Fury bit out before turning to Tony, "Stark, as much as I hate saying this, the existence of the world depends on you now."_

_"You want Tony to marry two alien psychos so that all of us live?" Sam asked for confirmation and Hill nodded from behind Fury._

_"For the sake of the world, yes"_

_Tony had stared at Nick for a few minutes in silence before he got up politely, dusted his pants for invisible lint and walked towards the window._

_"Well, it was nice knowing you all," he said cheerfully with a wave before he jumped out of the window to the echoes of strangled yells from the room. The suit assembled around him within seconds and he rushed back home to freak out in peace._

_Steve hadn't even tried to break into the workshop and had sent Bucky instead with three buckets of ice-cream. Clint had joined them five minutes later when he dropped down from the vent. Tony had fallen a bit more in love with Steve for respecting the Startones tradition of joint freak out before he came to calm Tony down._

And now they were here. In the workshop floor with desserts of all kinds half-eaten or wiped clean, strewn around them in a mess. Tony's head was on Bucky's lap and Clint had the genius' feet on his lap, all three of them processing the sheer enormity of the situation.

"I am fucked, aren't I?" Tony muttered pitifully into Bucky's stomach and for once, the ex-assassin simply sighed and petted his hair as Clint rubbed Tony's foot soothingly.

"Well, honey, that's usually reserved for the wedding night," Clint reminded them once the moment was over and Tony had no qualms about kicking him in the balls.

*********

"Tony, no"

"Steve, it's either the world or me," Tony rolled his eyes but rubbed a hand soothingly over Steve's arm as the Captain gripped his waist tightly, "It's not really a choice, babe."

"We'll fight them. I won't let you..I won't let them make a  _sacrifice_ out of you," Steve hissed the word 'sacrifice' like Tony was a virgin and this was a cult. Tony adored him.

"Honey, I know you'll fight them. But I also know that you'll lose," Tony made clicking noises when Steve frowned and that made Steve scowl harder, "Babe, you gotta let go. Pretty Pep can't check out the tux on me if you make me your koala."

Steve tightened his hold on Tony for a minute before reluctantly letting go and Tony climbed down from Steve's waist, where the supersoldier had perched him for about an hour, refusing to let go whenever anyone else came into sight. Natasha said that Tony made a cute koala. Tony agreed with her personally but Pepper didn't, because Pepper was taking this whole wedding drama seriously and she had suits to check.

"Aww, Pep no. I cannot wear white to this shindig," Tony made a face at the white Tom Ford tux, "If I'm going to do this, I should at least get to pick out my color, right?"

"Right, like we got to choose our groomswomen gowns, right?" Natasha asked from the couch as she sorted through the linen samples, pausing to shoot Tony a death glare, "Asshole."

"Hey, I'm getting married for the sake of the world. You're just wearing a black cloak. Comparison not allowed, woman," Tony sniffed airily and conveniently ignored Steve slowly but steadily banging his head against the wall, "Babe, we need your brains. Don't donate it to the walls."

"I still think we should go with Brioni," Pepper quipped as she looked between two suits. Tony shrugged. Steve hit the wall with his head again.

"Actually, you don't have to bother with the tux," Sam announced as he entered the room with a smug expression and Steve immediately looked hopeful.

"Have we found a way to stop this?" he asked with wide eyes and Sam looked pityingly at him before turning to Tony.

"No, apparently Thanos wants you to wear a dress and not a suit," he shrugged apologetically. Steve chose another wall to head-bang this time. Pepper looked at her tux collection ruefully. Natasha actually looked happier.

"We need to contact Wang then," Tony hummed resignedly because he'd be damned if he wore a dress other than Vera Wang, even if he was basically being forced to wear it. He still had some class, thank you very much.

-

Bucky squinted into his binoculars and brought his hand to ear.

"Target has entered the building. ETA 60 seconds. Winter out"

"Target spotted. The Hawk is flying" Clint replied and Bucky smirked when he heard a drunked (fake) drawl on the comm before a scuffle happened for a minute. "Target diverted. Bring the Thunder".

"Thunder is afoot" Thor rumbled into the comm and Bucky bit back a giggle at the serious tone of the God.

"Austen is moving," Jane chipped in before making a displeased noise, "Seriously, why do I get Austen? Everyone else gets cool code-names."

"It suits you," Clint said sagely and got back a very un-Austenish curse in reply. 

"Chatter" Sam hissed before commanding, "Austen, remember, you only get two minutes. Make it fast and clean. I don't want any shoddy work."

"Yeah, and remember to say the words repeatedly and in a high pitch," Bucky reminded.

"Shut up" Jane hissed back before her voice took on a very different tone. One that Sam liked to call 'the screams of hell-hounds when they are starving for human souls'. They hear Thor's embarrassed but fond voice (faker. Thor is  _never_ embarrassed. Jane on the other hand-). They listen through the chatter of Jane 'Janie' Portman squealing and gushing to the target about how she is a huge fan and how the target has changed her life. The fake love story between Janie and 'Chris' is told in moving narrations, switched between Jane and Thor at appropriate times. The fact that they basically ambushed the target in a hotel lobby doesn't matter because they have done their research well. When Jane goes on about her cats, they hear genuine warmth coming through the target's voice. Just when they have laid the trap, Jane drops the bait.

_"Are you here on vacation?" the target asked casually and Jane made a sad hum._

_"Actually, we're here to attend a wedding," she said and Thor hummed in agreement._

_"You don't sound too happy about it" the target prompted in a confused voice._

_"No, no, we're very happy about the wedding," Jane assured the target, "It's just that...our friend who's getting married has been getting a little trouble...for this wedding."_

_"Oh" the target sounded thoughtful, "Nothing serious?"_

_"It's just that the wedding is a bit--unconventional and we're having a little..."_

_"Trouble finding the wanted people for it," Thor completed for Jane._

_"Unconventional?"_

_"Yeah, he's um...I don't know how to say this...most people frown down on this kind of thing..." Jane hesitated and the target sounded bolder._

_"Well, love is just love. Nobody should be offended by someone else's love," the target declared._

_"I know, and we agree. But apparently the wedding industry doesn't," Jane replied before continuing, "You see, our friend is getting married to both his boyfriend and girlfriend. They're in a polyamorous relationship and they get a lot of flak for that. I mean, just yesterday, when we went to place the order for the cake, the store refused them saying that they were freaks. Weddings are already so stressful and to hear such things from strangers is just..it hurts them, you know?"_

_"How awful!" the target agreed and Jane hummed._

_"We've finalized on everything else, except for the wedding singer," Jane commented with a sigh, "Nobody seems available or ready for this one. It's just...it's just so frustrating and sad, y'know?"_

_"Yeah, especially when **we** met you and they -"_

_"Chris! Come on! Don't embarrass her" Jane shushed Thor but the target's interest was piqued._

_"What? Why especially when you met me?"_

_"Oh God, this is so embarrassing," Jane said shyly before sighing, "You see, they met during one of your concerts. So...you're kind of special to them."_

_"Oh My God, that's so sweet" the target exclaimed and Jane hummed in agreement, "Wait, so they like my songs, right?"_

_"Of course!" Thor said as though that was a universal fact._

There was silence for a minute and Bucky checked his watch. 45 seconds to go before the personal security came in.

_"You know what? Maybe I could help" the target said slowly and Jane's breath hitched_

Bucky silently laughed himself sick when the target volunteered to come to the wedding herself and Jane dramatically cried her thanks. Seriously, whoever thought Jane didn't have acting chops was clearly blind.

"Austen here. Target acquired. Operation Swift successful," the check-in came from Jane and Bucky heard Clint whoop on the comm.

"Y'know, I honestly don't know what I should feel more weirded out by," Sam mused on the comm as Thor and Jane said that they were coming back, "Getting married to aliens or having Taylor Swift as his wedding singer."

"It's a new world, Sam," Bucky said gravely and grinned when his boyfriend snorted in reply.

Bucky wondered how many more requests from Death they would have to take before they all lost it completely.

********

"That looks like the something the bride of Rosemary would order" Bruce commented when he finished perusing the cake design Darcy presented before him.

"Well, the bride in this case could be the  _mother_ of Rosemary for all we know," Darcy replied and Bruce sighed, "Seriously, you thought Rosemary's Baby was scary? This is Rosemary's Mommy. She deserves a cake as spectacularly awesome as this."

"It's skull, Darce. You have skulls all over the [cake](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/16/ab/67/16ab67bb58907dd2bd7c27bcf24a81d9.jpg). The cake is made of skulls," Bruce said pointedly and Darcy gave him a  _duh_ expression.

"Psh, Brucero, just be glad it's not the Red Skull," she quipped and Bruce cleared his throat, hiding a grin behind his hand.

"At least don't add the words," he compromised and rolled his eyes at her impish look, "Seriously, this is a bit ironic, even for this situation."

"Oh come on, you think Tony is not going to die laughing when it's said during the wedding?" she countered with a chuckle and Bruce huffed a laugh.

"This is going to be a disaster," he sighed and rested his chin on her shoulder from behind.

"True, but we'll always have cake," Darcy replied solemnly and Bruce nodded because there really wasn't much that could be said in the face of insanity.

*******

"Can I just say that I think this thing is the craziest thing I've done since I met you?" Rhodey stressed as he fidgeted in his cloaked robe, "No, I mean it. I've seen Korea '95, Uruguay '98, even Dubai '04. Nothing, I repeat, nothing was as crazy as this."

"Sure, bitch all you want. It's not like _you're_ standing in a wedding dress or something," Tony shot back in a faux-light tone and Rhodey made a face but offered Tony a bit of the chocolate he was devouring as an apology.

"You make a really handsome bride though," Clint pointed out from behind and Tony looked down at his feet that were almost covered by the hem of the dress.

"I feel like an idiot" he muttered.

"An idiot who's saving the world," Bucky corrected and Tony shot him a small smile through the short net veil. It had pearls in it.  _Pearls_ in a veil. That Tony was wearing.

The [dress ](http://www.verawang.com/assets/wedding/bc/2026/1389394311_f_Manon_Front.jpg) swished at his ankles and Tony was glad for the small reprieve that he had hidden mini-repulsors in the black gloves he was wearing. 

"Is Steve still out there?" he asked and Bucky sighed.

"Yeah. The punk still is adamant that if anybody is getting you married, it should be him," Bucky ran a metal hand over his face, "Something about being in this pain with you."

"Dumbass" Tony muttered but felt it come out a bit hoarse.

"Yeah, he really is," Rhodey echoed a bit sadly.

"It's time" Happy poked his head into the room and announced with an unhappy expression. Tony swallowed hard and turned around before looking at Rhodey.

"I'm so sorry, Tones," Rhodey said seriously before hugging him tightly, "But I'm also so proud of you."

"Take care of my bots, okay?" Tony said in reply and Rhodey squeezed his shoulder before nodding. Taking a deep breath, Rhodey walked out of the room with Happy, leaving Tony with Clint and Bucky.

"I promise to annoy Hill on your behalf," Clint said after a moment of silence, smiling at Tony as he came closer, "every day, at least three times a day."

"And I promise to mess up Tasha's knives collection after every weekend," Bucky chimed in, following suit and coming closer with a small smile, "I'll make sure that she goes on a treasure hunt for them every week."

Tony snorted but smiled weakly at both of them.

"I promise to make Thanos cry every day," Tony said with a small smirk, "without fail."

"I promise to post sleepy pictures of Bruce on Tumblr," Clint smirked.

"I promise to make Darcy go through hand-to-hand training with Sharon," Bucky grinned.

"I promise to dye Death's hair blue," Tony chuckled.

"I promise to play fetch with Dum-E" 

"I promise to snark with Jarvis"

"I promise to add rocks to Thanos' food"

"I promise to stop Pepper from taking over the world"

"I promise to start making out with Sam in front of SHIELD agents"

"I promise to tattoo a tramp stamp onto Death's face"

"I promise to never let the world forget you"

"I promise to never let anyone forgive Thanos"

"I promise to never forget yo - Oh god.."

Clint and Bucky enveloped Tony in a group hug when the genius' voice cracked and this is why Tony loved these idiots. They didn't give a damn about being 'bros' or 'dudes' with him. They were silly, they went along with his madness and they accepted him for what he was. They were his friends and he was theirs. They were the Starktones and nothing changed that for them.

"Ugh, stop, tears is a bit too much," Tony complained and tried to get out of the hug but Bucky rested his forehead against Tony's head and Clint butted his head against TOny's shoulder.

"You're our friend, got it? Don't you dare ever forget it," Clint warned and moved away with a weak smirk.

"As if you'll let me," Tony scoffed, blinking back dampness in his tears, "Any feces in space will be proof of your attempts to talk to me, Birdbrain."

"Damn right it will," Bucky snorted and slapped Tony's head lightly.

They grinned at each other before Tony took a deep breath.

"Let's do this," he said firmly, "For the world."

"For the team," Bucky chimed in and took position beside Tony.

"For the goddamned cake," Clint said finally and took position on the other side of Tony, both Bucky and him ready to give away their friend for the greater good.

*******

"You actually got Taylor Swift here?" Pepper hissed in front of her and Natasha shot her a subtle look as she held the dead flowers in her hand.

"Apparently Lady Death likes her music," Natasha said dryly and Pepper bit back a groan because Tony definitely wanted something more rock based and this was just adding insult to injury. 

"How the hell did you convince her to come?" Sharon asked from behind Pepper, tugging on her black velvet cloak hoodie.

"Jane and Thor were...very convincing," Natasha replied and SHaron tutted for the poor singer looking panicked in the strange hall, looking for a way to escape.

"How did you get her to stay?" Pepper asked curiously and Natasha's eyes flicked towards Thanos, standing smug and proud at the front of the aisle.

"Let's just say that her next song will involve a lot of death," she said mysteriously and Pepper made a displeased sound.

"What I'm more curious about is how Thanos got  _him_ to become his best man," Darcy said from behind Sharon and Pepper snorted bitterly.

"Oh, apparently Thanos and Loki are really close," she said darkly, "as close as Master and trapped servant can get anyway."

"This is such a nightmare," Sharon breathed out and shook her head lightly and narrowed her eyes when Loki looked in their direction, "Not to mention, I cannot even begin to imagine what Steve is going through."

Steve was standing at the pseudo-altar, having been chosen to officiate the wedding. Everybody knew that this was a power move from the dick Thanos but surprisingly, Steve had agreed. Later, when Sam had asked him what in frickin hell he was thinking, Steve had simply said that if Tony was sacrificing his everything for them, it was only fair that Steve stood right next to him during this battle.

Even Fury had looked guilty and a bit apologetic at that statement.

When the first hint of the organ music began, everyone present in the small hall turned to see the first entrance. Lady Death's bridesmaids began their march. It was weird to see four Chitauri females dressed in grey cloaks holding bouquets of black roses, marching stiffly down the aisle. Behind them, Lady Death began her glide, moving smoother than a dancer, her cold eyes washing over the small crowd gathered to mourn this wedding. When she smiled at Phil, everyone saw the agent clench his jaw and shudder lightly, looking extremely unpleasant.

She came to take her place beside Thanos and nodded at Steve, who stoically stared at her, his eyes as cold as hers.

The tune of the music changed and everyone turned again, to see the second entrance open.

Tony's groomsmen were Sam, Thor and Bruce while Rhodey was his best man and Bucky and Clint were giving him away. People thought that Rhodey should be the one to give him away but Rhodey had shook his head sadly and shared a knowing look with Bucky and Clint.

Thor, Sam and Bruce were wearing dark blue velvet cloaks and looked quietly murderous, Bruce keeping his eyes fixed on Darcy so that he didn't lose control. Behind them, Rhodey entered wearing his dress uniform under his cloak and a rigid expression on his face. Finally it was Tony's turn.

Pepper and Natasha's eyes were fixed on Steve in that moment and they both hated that they could do nothing for their friends.

*******

Steve watched with bated breath as Rhodey entered and it was time for Tony's entrance. 

The minute Tony stepped into the hall, Steve felt his breath hitch, but more in sadness than in happiness. Tony was wearing a black and white wedding gown, presumably to depict Death and purity. His graceful hands were covered with black gloves that extended till his elbows. There was a short veil with small pearls on the crown falling till his eyes in a beautiful angle. He was wearing boots, Steve knew that because Tony had mooched it off Steve's collection last night, sadly saying that he needed something borrowed. He wore his shrapnel pendant that he had once gifted Pepper, for the something blue part and Steve knew that Pepper had given it back as a memory of their friendship. Steve knew that he was fitted with Natasha's first knife under the dress, for the something old part and as Natasha's attempt in protecting him. The new part were the mini-repulsors Tony had stitched into his gloves.

Steve felt his throat close up as the reality of this whole thing slammed into him all of a sudden. They were doing this. They were actually doing this.

He had never hated being an Avenger more as he did in that moment. The music for Tony's walk was a bastardized version of 'Highway to Hell' and Steve knew that this was Phil's gift to the genius - one last familiarity. With every step Tony took towards them, Steve felt the urge to throw this all away and start a war increase. This was madness. This was unfair.

This was him losing everything all over again.

He wished he could kill Death.

Tony came to a halt right before the altar and Steve saw Bucky and Clint squeeze his bare shoulders before move away with murderous glares at Thanos and Death.

"Join us, darling," Lady Death murmured softly and Steve grit his teeth as Tony swallowed hard and complied, standing between Death and Thanos, staring up at him.

Clearing his throat, Steve sent one last plea to all the forces of the universe to stop this, before he opened his mouth to begin his speech as officiant.

*****

Tony breathed in deeply as he stood between his would be husband and wife, staring up at the man he loved who was getting ready to marry Tony off. The irony wasn't in the least bit funny. And then Steve started speaking.

"To all those gathered here today, I welcome you to the most tragic love story of this decade. And all the decades I have live through. Which is quite a lot, if you ask any of our friends present here"

Steve paused and looked directly at Tony as he continued.

"When I woke up in the 21st century, I opened my eyes expecting a world that ran around wars, familiar faces and forgotten friends. I didn't expect noise, vibrance and chaos to greet me with open arms and engulf me in its wonder. At first, I did not believe it to be beautiful, pushing it away and preferring to stay hidden, mourning what I could not have. The first time I was given a rough awakening from my mourning was when I met a man of iron, both in will and skin. It was this man, enclosed in a hero's armor, who taught me that worlds change with time but life doesn't. Life is constant, its ups and downs a cycle that doesn't change with trends and governments or rulers. He taught me to break through my grief to allow other emotions to seep through. He taught me to feel again, to crack open the ice that scientists hadn't chipped away yet. He taught me that friendship still meant trust and having a hand on your shoulder.

He taught me that love never has a limit on chances."

Steve swallowed and ignored a wet breath from his right, knowing that he couldn't look away from Tony today.

"Today, I stand here having failed that man in every way but watching him win a war before it began. I watch him lay down on the wire and let the entire world crawl over him. I watch him become a hero again, facing the entire planet's threat on his own. I stand here, as a free man, watching that man agree to become a slave for the sake of love and friendship. I stand here and watch him, only to realize that I could never know a better love story that this man's and his family's. For he loves them all, every single one of them, and will continue to do so, despite any change in his life. I realize this and I understand the greatest truth of life.

Love is not giving or taking. Love is not to be vowed or bound. Love is not a band around a finger, a kiss upon the lips or a phrase of promise for eternity. 

Love is the tears in the eyes of the friend who watches her friend give his life and the smile she gives him when he feels like crying, the hope and strength she holds to keep him standing. Love is the squeeze of a shoulder by a brother who has known grief all his life and yet is willing to take it all again if he could save his friend from a forced bond. Love is a broken heart, willing to stand tall in the face of manipulation, just so that the one the heart beats for can leech every last ounce of strength from him. Love is family, willing to let go and never forget. Love is friendship, willing to push away and yet hold on. Love is the sadness that echoes in a forced laugh and the jou that echoes in falling tears. Love is a metal hand, an archer's bow, a pilot's eyes, an assassin's lullaby, a doctor's touch, a CEO's smile. Love is a scientist's lie, a God's truth, an agent's shadow, an old man's frown, an assistant's writing, a rescuer's parachute. Love is a soldier's vow. Love is a hero's sacrifice.

Love is a family. Love is Tony Stark. And today, I welcome you all to the tragedy of his love story, as he is given away to a Titan and his Death."

Tony bit his lip and sucked in a breath, not caring one bit if the lady at his left or man at his right got offended by Steve's opening speech. This was for him. This was his Steve's goodbye and love confession for him. He was going to take it all, even if it might be the only time he got.

"Since we do not have any story to tell of his bride and groom, let us move forward to the vows," Steve breathed out shakily and opened his mouth to ask Death to begin her vows.

Death said the saddest set of vows ever, in a single sentence.  _I vow to keep you with me forever, giving no opportunity to let go._ It was basically a promise of enslavement and Steve's jaw clenched when Tony breathed out harshly. According to the order, Tony should have gone next, but Steve wasn't ready for that yet, so he skipped over and told Thanos to take his vows.

"Death, my love, for you I shall spare the life of this human and those he bargained his life for," the Titan said with heart-eyes and Death raised a bored eyebrow, "I shall make sure that the entire universe worships you as I do, my love. From this day until the infinity is in my hands."

They waited for him to vow something to Tony too but the Titan simply stared at him before huffing,

"I'm not destroying you yet. Get on with it, human."

Finally it was Tony's turn and Steve wanted to punch someone or just take Tony into his arms and run away. He did neither and stood his ground, staring at the man he loved. Tony took a deep breath and turned to look at Lady Death before beginning.

"Fuck you," he said calmly turning around to address Thanos next, "and you."

There was the sound of someone choking from the audience but nobody turned, eyes riveted at Tony.

"You lied to me," Tony told Death, "You met me as a lie and I spoke lies to you when we met. I flirt with everyone who behaves like a jackass at my galas. So our first meeting? It was a lie. And if there's one thing I've learnt from my team, my boyfriend and my friends, it is that no relationship survives on lies. But that is all I can and will offer you. Because if I have to be honest with you, I'd tell you how I can never love you because I love someone else. I would tell you that you are a coward because you cannot get your own love and you use someone else to threaten people to love you. I would tell you that you've already killed me but I'd never fall into death just to spite you. 

I don't know what marriage means to you or your boyfriend, but to me and all of us, it means something more than this lie. But I will still go through with this and will marry you. Not for you or him. I will do this for my family and my friends. For my planet. For those who live every day in defiance of your death. I will do this today, tomorrow and every day after for them. So you want a vow from me? I vow that I will fight you, every day and all day, to stay with you and save those I love. And when I die, you would still not have me because when I leave this place, I leave my life with these people. And you cannot take anything from me when I don't have my life."

Turning to Thanos, Tony continued,

"You think this will please her? You think that she will love you now? Well, I hope she does, because if my life is the price of your madness stopping, then so be it. But let me tell you from experience, you can never buy love. You can never buy peace. But I will not stop you from trying it using me, because I would rather it be me than someone else. You can threaten me, hold your power over my head and buy me off but I vow to you : I will never let you become my master. I was given the freedom of life by my mother and I swear on her grave today, I will never give that away to you. So, even as I vow my name to you today, I will never give you my respect or anything else. Congratulations, hubby dear, and welcome to Tony Stark's hell."

Steve took in a deep shuddering breath at the end of Tony's vow even as Thanos' face darkened and Death looked speculative. Not willing to delay this any further, he breathed out and turned to face Loki.

"Do you have the rings?"

"We have wrist bands," Loki corrected smoothly and Steve didn't give a damn but nodded.

Loki let out the smallest smirk, coming forward with a silver bracelet for Death that Thanos put on her long wrist. For Tony, there was a gold bracelet just like Tony's armor bracelet, except for a red coral in it. Thanos pulled Tony's wrist harshly and Steve grit his teeth as the bracelet was clasped onto Tony's wrist forcefully.

Death took her turn, taking a silver bracelet from one of the Chitauri females and clasping it onto Thanos' wrist before taking a gold bracelet with a sapphire in it, clamping it onto Tony's left wrist.

"Do you have the...rings?" Steve asked Rhodey with a shaking breath and Rhodey nodded stiffly, shoulder butting Loki out of the way, coming forward to offer the rings to Tony.

Natasha had engraved 'Fuck You Asshole' into both of the gold bands in Latin and Tony took them into his palm before breathing in deeply. He silently slipped them onto the hands of Death and Thanos before turning back to Steve.

Steve watched Tony stare hard at him before glancing at Loki. Who nodded at him. Before Steve could even frown, Tony had stepped back and yelled,

"NOW!"

Before anybody could do anything the windows of the hall shattered and a bunch of strange looking people burst in, pouncing upon Thanos. The Titan seemed taken aback for a couple of seconds before he raised his hand and -

Nothing happened. His hand didn't move and Thanos whipped his eyes to his hand to realize that his ring finger had begun glowing blue, the light traveling fast throughout his body.

"No...No! What is this trickery?! NO!" he roared and tried to fight whatever was holding him back but he couldn't move.

"It's Odinforce! Attack him now!" Tony yelled at the Avengers and raised his gloved hands to throw in his repulsor beams into the fray. The Avengers didn't need another hint and jumped into action, weapons coming out from under their cloaks and dresses as they turned to fight the Chitauri who had come as entourage for Death and Thanos.

"Who are they?!" Steve shouted as he vaulted over and grabbed his shield from under the first row's second seat and throwing himself into the fight, shooting a wary glance at the strange looking people who seemed to fight in their favor.

"The Guardians!" Tony shouted back as he caught his briefcase suit that Happy threw at him, slamming it down on the ground and ripping his gown off his body to reveal just red boxers before he let the armor set over him.

Nobody bothered to ask who the Guardians were but Natasha seemed to recognize them by her reaction to them helping her, so Steve didn't question it and focused on helping them in subduing Thanos.

"We can't kill him!" Bucky grunted as he slammed into a Chitauri soldier and Clint drop kicked the alien from the back.

"We can't but  **he** can!" Tony replied through the suit and they had just a minute's warning before a hugely muscled man dropped from the ceiling and in one punch, knocked out Thanos.

Loki had guarded Death through all of it and Steve turned to see him whisper something to her in low tones, his head bowed near her ear.

"Loki!" Steve hissed and moved to hit him when Tony came in between, holding Steve's hand.

"No, Steve, no," he said firmly, "Listen to me, no! He's on our side. For once."

"What?" Steve echoed dumb-struck but Tony simply nodded.

"I'll explain later. Trust me, he's on our side this time."

Steve should have asked a million questions maybe but he chose to simply nod in reply, following Tony to see to Thanos.

********

"Adam Warlock?" Sam asked with a frown, staring at Tony and Peter Quill, the leader of the Guardians.

"Yeah, super strong, possesses the Soul Gem, the only one capable of defeating Thanos," Quill said with a nod.

"So wait, we could have defeated Thanos all along?" Darcy asked, leaning against Bruce in her slightly ripped gown.

"Not really," Tony answered with a small frown, "We needed to remove the Infinity Stones from his person to do that. And we also needed to awaken Warlock from his hibernation. Don't ask, long story" he shook his head at Bruce.

"Which is why we needed time," Quill took over, "We got Stark's intergalactic message for help a week ago and we got started on bringing Adam back from his millenia-sleep."

"But we were still not sure that it would work, which is why I was going through with the wedding," Tony waved his hand behind him at the almost demolished hall.

"What we didn't have was the surety of the Stones," Quill nodded before looking at Thor, "Not until your brother came into the picture."

"Loki?" Thor asked with a wondrous expression and Jane grimaced beside him.

"Yeah," Tony sighed but smiled slightly, "He met me minutes before the wedding started while I was with Bucky and Clint."

_"For the goddamned cake" Clint said with finality and Tony chuckled a bit at that, ready to go when they heard a whoosh behind them and all three of them turned around._

_"Loki!" Clint snarled and moved forward to deck him when the Trickster held out a hand._

_"I do not have time for your nonsense, Barton. I wish to speak with Stark," he grunted and Tony raised an eyebrow._

_"Isn't your new best friend waiting at the altar Mr. Best Man?" Tony asked mockingly and Loki rolled his eyes._

_"Yes, yes, your pettiness remains priceless, but I do not have enough time," Loki said shortly, "I have left an illusion of myself near Thanos. I have come here to tell you that you cannot marry the Titan or his obsession, Lady Death."_

_"Uh, he doesn't want to either, but if he doesn't the planet dies," Bucky said with an unimpressed look._

_"Not yet," Loki said with a sly grin, "I have a way to thwart him but I need your help to do it."_

_"What's the way?" Tony asked before following it up with, "What's in it for you?"_

_"The same as you : freedom," Loki said bitterly, "Now, do you want to hear it or not?". When Tony nodded quietly, Loki huffed out a breath._

_"The Stones. I have replaced two of them from his gauntlet with mere false gems," Loki said quickly, "and have placed the real stones into your wedding bands. The Reality Stone and the Mind Stone. Thanos will only have the Space Gem with him as the Power Gem remains outside Earth and the Soul Gem is with Adam -"_

_"Warlock, yes, I know," Tony spoke with a nod, waving a dismissive hand when Loki raised an eyebrow at him, "Wait, so this means that Thanos will not have his complete power."_

_"Yes, and with the Stones with you, he will not be able to hurt you or those you protect," Loki nodded smugly, "Also, I have infused your wedding rings with a fraction of Odin's restraining force. It will help in holding Thanos' energy for a while."_

_Tony stared at him for a second before turning to Clint._

_"Call Coulson and tell him to activate Protocol Guardians immediately," he commanded and even though Clint was confused about the whole thing, he understood that they had a fighting chance. He nodded quickly and called Phil, telling him the gist quickly before cutting the call._

_"You sure this will work?" Bucky asked Tony quietly and the would-be-groom grimaced bitterly._

_"Either it does or I die trying"_

"So basically, you had the power of the Gems  _given_ to you by Thanos and Death themselves," Sharon said with wide eyes, "That's...that's literally cheating Death."

"My wedding present to my beloved groom and bride," Tony grinned and Pepper made a face.

"Ugh, don't even say that" she shook her head.

"Wait, so are you married now or not?" Bruce asked with a small smirk and Tony poked out his tongue at him.

"Absolutely not" Steve answered as he came into the circle, automatically gathering Tony by the waist and hugging him from behind, "He never said that he took them as his husband or wife. As the officiant, I call this marriage null and void."

"Yeah, good thing, otherwise you'd be literally married to Death," Jane snorted.

"And then bored to Death for a lifetime," Clint quipped from beside her with a smirk.

"Yeah man, you escaped a real Death trap," Bucky winked from beside Sam and Tony rolled his eyes.

"Yes, yes, bring out all the puns now itself," he waved his hands with a smirk.

"Steve's love speech literally snatched you from the jaws of Death," Pepper smirked and Steve chuckled at her.

"Yes, but Loki was the one who prevented you from being at Death's door," Thor countered with a smug grin.

"Oh God, owing Loki had to be a fate worse than Death," Rhodey pointed out with a cheeky grin.

"True but it is definitely better than having Death doing Steve and Tony apart," Natasha batted her eyes innocently at Steve.

"Oh, but Steve would have always loved Tony to Death and beyond," Darcy remarked with a flourish of her hand.

"I'm glad you had the Guardians, because I have a remedy for everything except Death," Bruce declared with an impish smile.

"I'm just glad that I didn't get the kiss of Death," Tony shuddered in Steve's arms and Steve kissed the back of his head.

"I swear to God, one day you'll be the Death of me," he declared with a soft smirk and everybody began laughing.

"Uh, excuse me?" a voice came from behind and they turned to see Taylor Swift blinking at them nervously.

"Hi!" Tony waved at her from Steve's arms and she looked terrified but waved back hesitatingly.

"Have any of you seen Tom?" she asked and everyone frowned at each other.

"Tom?" Pepper asked in confusion, "I'm sorry, Ms. Swift, who are you looking for?"

"Tom Hiddleston?" Taylor asked, looking at the blank faces before continuing, "British actor? I saw him just a few minutes ago around here and he asked me to wait but I can't find him here anymore."

"Taylor, I think you're -" Darcy was cut short when a tall and graceful man came around towards them.

"Taylor? You ready?" the British sounding man asked with a sweet smile and the Avengers blinked as one.

"Loki?" Thor whispered in shock, seeing his brother with short hair and in a tux.

"I'm sorry sir, you must be mistaken," Tom smiled at him, "My name is Tom. Tom Hiddleston. I do play the character of Loki in my forthcoming film though. How did you know?"

"I-You-What?" Clint stammered and Tom;s gaze flicked towards him before he shrugged at all of them.

"Sorry guys, I promised Ms. Swift here that I would give her a ride back. I'm guessing that the wedding is off so we'd like to leave now. Take care everyone!" he waved charmingly and guided Taylor by the waist.

"I am so confused" they heard Taylor whisper as she was being walked away before Tom chuckled and shot one parting glance over his shoulder at them, winking at Thor cheekily.

"Son-of-a-bitch" Tony exhaled and the others were shocked enough to not dispute that fact.

If they saw tabloids publish pictures of Taylor Swift and 'Tom Hiddleston' a week later, in a beach house, the Avengers simply shook their heads and went about their lives.

They had lived through enough of madness for one week. Taylor Swift's love story was not something they could handle even if they wanted to.

Thor anyway sent a couple of magazines through intergalactic mail to his mother. Frigga had fun going through them as she shared gossip with her new house-guest, Lady Death.

And Tony vowed to not get married for the next year at least. Steve agreed.

They still enjoyed Skull wedding cake though.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So the reason this came about was because my friend and I were discussing Tony's flirting and charming abilities and he said "That guy could win death over with his flirting!" and I heard 'death' as 'Death'. Which lead me to the mysterious Death of Thanos' obsession and then it all went rolling down the rabbit hole.  
> I'd really like some feedback though, in case any of my stupid puns were funny :P <3


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